This is a post I wrote while I pregnant and then didn't publish. It wasn't the right time I guess? Now, as we are nearing the end the the second week of waiting for Ainsley's CF test results, I remembered it and felt led to post it.
Let me clear...this was obedience.
Not an accident… our newest addition that is. I refer to her as our "bonus baby." We had made it so very clear that we did not plan to have more children that many may have taken this the wrong way. She, however, was no accident. I don't mean in the way that God doesn't have accidents. Of course he doesn't. What I mean is, we stopped preventing pregnancy, deliberately. This is going to bring harsh judgment on us by some, as the main reason we stated for not having more children, many times over, was the fact that we have a 25% chance of a having a child with Cystic Fibrosis. Our daughter has it, our son does not. There are all the common reasons for not wanting this… all of them which I am sure you can imagine on your own without my listing them.
So what changed? Frankly, God changed our hearts. I don't know why. Who ever KNOWS "why" with God? It happened slowly within both of us. I always wanted more children, but Aaron never did. Then, when we got our daughter's diagnosis, I made my peace and was perfectly content with two children. After a while, I even decided I was HAPPY with two children. They are healthy (Ashton is doing VERY well) and happy, and I love them, and who wants to change diapers again anyway? I was enjoying having my body back and having a little more sleep at night too. It was nice to leave the house without a billion things and to have kids that could basically dress themselves.
About two years after Ashton was born, Aaron said if it wasn't for the CF he would want another. That was a shock. He always only wanted two. I think that was the start. His heart was changing, though we didn't realize it at the time. As my babies got bigger, I missed having babies. We both gazed at new babies in Church and didn't really feel we were ready to stop having babies ourselves. During these years, I had intentions of having a permanent birth control procedure done, but multiple moves and finances caused it not work out for some reason or another. Finally, it was do or die time. I was going to make an appointment to take care of things for good.
But I heard a whisper. I know God's voice. I have heard it many times before, most notably here, if you haven't read that yet. The question was "Why?" The only thing I could come up with was CF. Then the idea came to me of one day Ashton asking why we didn't have more kids. I could say lots of things, but what if she heard the truth? What would that do to her? Regardless of what was said, she would hear that we didn't want another like her. That, my friends, was not okay with me.
A few days later I sent a text to my husband in jest. It was something to the effect of "Can't we just see what happens?" I got a totally unexpected response. Instead of the "NO!" I expected, I got a "we'll see." We started praying, separately, that night and a few days later discussed it some more. We searched and searched for a reason that we agreed upon other than the chance for Cystic Fibrosis. There wasn't one. We both felt God nudging us to get out of the way and let Him work. Not that we could ever really do anything to stop Him, but we felt He was looking for obedience. We did not know if that obedience would result in another child, and we had no promise of a child with or without CF. We only heard "obey and watch Me work." So, we obeyed.
We knew the risks from the start. We know them now as I feel my almost 20 week daughter wiggling in my belly. I know what I may face as a mother, what she may face as her life, and what our family may face together. I also know God had a plan for this child at this time, He intended for us to be her family, and he formed her…. CF genes or not….in His secret place with a specific plan for her in mind. He knew her name when He was on the cross, even though I don't know it yet myself.
We won't know for sure until she is born and tested if she has Cystic Fibrosis like her big sister. The 25% chance is big, and it seems even bigger when you hear the number of families with multiple CF children. I just felt the need to set the record straight. She is the result of an act of obedience. She is not an accident. We went in with eyes wide open, and we are prepared to take care of the child He has blessed us with no matter what. It is scary and somewhat overwhelming to think of what could be, don’t get me wrong. There are no promises in the Bible for an easy life however, and I only pray we can, as a family, use WHATEVER comes in our lives and the lives of our children to bring glory and honor to God.