This is a post I wrote while I pregnant and then didn't publish. It wasn't the right time I guess? Now, as we are nearing the end the the second week of waiting for Ainsley's CF test results, I remembered it and felt led to post it.
Let me clear...this was obedience.
Not an accident… our newest
addition that is. I refer
to her as our "bonus baby." We
had made it so very clear that we did not plan to have more children that many
may have taken this the wrong way. She, however, was no accident. I don't mean in the way that God
doesn't have accidents. Of
course he doesn't. What I
mean is, we stopped preventing pregnancy, deliberately. This is going to bring harsh judgment
on us by some, as the main reason we stated for not having more children, many
times over, was the fact that we have a 25% chance of a having a child with
Cystic Fibrosis. Our
daughter has it, our son does not. There
are all the common reasons for not wanting this… all of them which I am sure
you can imagine on your own without my listing them.
So what changed? Frankly, God changed our hearts. I don't know why. Who ever KNOWS "why" with
God? It happened slowly
within both of us. I always
wanted more children, but Aaron never did. Then, when we got our daughter's
diagnosis, I made my peace and was perfectly content with two children. After a while, I even decided I was
HAPPY with two children. They
are healthy (Ashton is doing VERY well) and happy, and I love them, and who
wants to change diapers again anyway? I
was enjoying having my body back and having a little more sleep at night
too. It was nice to leave
the house without a billion things and to have kids that could basically dress
themselves.
About two years after Ashton
was born, Aaron said if it wasn't for the CF he would want another. That was a shock. He always only wanted two. I think that was the start. His heart was changing, though we
didn't realize it at the time. As
my babies got bigger, I missed having babies. We both gazed at new babies in Church
and didn't really feel we were ready to stop having babies ourselves. During these years, I had intentions
of having a permanent birth control procedure done, but multiple moves and
finances caused it not work out for some reason or another. Finally, it was do or die time. I was going to make an appointment to
take care of things for good.
But I heard a whisper. I know God's voice. I have heard it many times before,
most notably here, if you haven't read that yet. The question was
"Why?" The only
thing I could come up with was CF. Then
the idea came to me of one day Ashton asking why we didn't have more kids. I could say lots of things, but what
if she heard the truth? What
would that do to her? Regardless
of what was said, she would hear that we didn't want another like her. That, my friends, was not okay with
me.
A few days later I sent a text
to my husband in jest. It was something
to the effect of "Can't we just see what happens?" I got a totally unexpected response. Instead of the "NO!" I expected, I got a "we'll see." We started praying, separately, that night
and a few days later discussed it some more. We
searched and searched for a reason that we agreed upon other than the chance
for Cystic Fibrosis. There wasn't one. We
both felt God nudging us to get out of the way and let Him work. Not that we could ever really do
anything to stop Him, but we felt He was looking for obedience. We did not know if that obedience
would result in another child, and we had no promise of a child with or without
CF. We only heard
"obey and watch Me work." So,
we obeyed.
We knew the risks from the
start. We know them now as
I feel my almost 20 week daughter wiggling in my belly. I know what I may face as a mother,
what she may face as her life, and what our family may face together. I also know God had a plan for this
child at this time, He intended for us to be her family, and he formed her…. CF
genes or not….in His secret place with a specific plan for her in mind. He knew her name when He was on the
cross, even though I don't know it yet myself.
We won't know for sure until
she is born and tested if she has Cystic Fibrosis like her big sister. The 25% chance is big, and it seems
even bigger when you hear the number of families with multiple CF
children. I just felt the
need to set the record straight. She
is the result of an act of obedience. She
is not an accident. We went
in with eyes wide open, and we are prepared to take care of the child He has
blessed us with no matter what. It
is scary and somewhat overwhelming to think of what could be, don’t get me
wrong. There are no
promises in the Bible for an easy life however, and I only pray we can, as a
family, use WHATEVER comes in our lives and the lives of our children to bring
glory and honor to God.
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